Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The Hardest Part

So, I finally received the call letting me know when my breast reduction is to take place tomorrow. I am officially NERVOUS! From the moment I got approved for the surgery I have been excited, emotional, and anxious. Now I am also very nervous. Yes, I am nervous about going under anesthesia, about possible complications, and how my husband will react to my new boobs. But mostly, I am nervous about not being in control. I admit it...I'm a bit of a control freak, but in a loving way. Every day I take care of my 10 month old son, Gabriel, by my self. My husband and mom both agree that "Mommy knows best" when it comes to putting Gabe down for naps, the bedtime routine, entertaining him, dealing with tantrums, etc. After the surgery I won't be in control.

That's going to be the hardest part; letting my family take care of Gabe and assume my duties that I do every day. I know they know what they are doing but it won't be the same way I do them and I'm convinced Gabe will wonder "Why isn't Mommy putting me to bed, why isn't Mommy feeding me," and so forth. I know it's crazy, he loves his Dad and Grandma, but I still feel that while I'm recovering from surgery and unable to carry him or even hold him close to me, he will feel like I've abandoned him or let him down.

After the surgery I will not be able to lift my arms higher than my shoulders (think of the old Zombie-type walking with arms straight forward), I won't be able to lift 5 lbs until a week after, and will not be able to do laundry, vacuum, etc. My mom and husband will be  responsible for changing Gabe's diapers, lifting him up, putting him to bed, and will pretty much have to take my place for 2 weeks, possibly three. Yes, I will still be able to sit on the floor and play with him and feed him in his high chair, but that's pretty much it. 

I know that Gabe will be fine but it stresses me out knowing that he might feel neglected and that no one "reads" him as well as I do, no one can tell by the way he is crying or breathing that he is about to fall back asleep or if he needs to be comforted. On the bright side, maybe this will be a chance for my husband to become as attuned to Gabriel as I am; though I know the nights will be tough for him because he hates waking up. Gabriel loves playing with his Daddy and I'm sure it will be good bonding time for them.

Your prayers are much needed and appreciated. Hopefully Thursday I will be able to tell you the surgery went successfully :)

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